Chemo & Covid

Can I just say it? Chemo prepped me for Covid-19 and social distancing.  I’m scared to go outside without a mask. I’m not allowed outdoors. I’ve been ordering random things in the mail and groceries because I cannot go to the store. I don’t even know if I have “real” clothes anymore because I’m only […]

Consequences

It’s taken me weeks to pump out this post – mostly because I wanted to avoid the swirl of emotions it would evoke in me – but here it is. Last semester, I barely survived the workload I gave myself. I did too much. Wow, that last phrase was harder to write than I thought it […]

Our Best

My sides were cramping, not from the routine but from watching Shiloh’s skinny arms swing furiously with the pale yellow 1lb weights. “Three, two, ONE!” he shouted as we finished the set on the TV, then he set the weights down and announced, “no weights!” He was now the instructor. Kevin and I couldn’t stop […]

Shredding

For the last two nights, I’ve found myself in the basement sitting crisscross in the middle of the night. There were two piles in front of me: one with papers ready to whir in the shredder and a small mountain of junk mail envelopes. I couldn’t make them pass through the machine fast enough, ripping […]

B+ Average

The last time I was at my gyn-oncologist, she asked me if I was still doing a thousand things at one time. I smiled because I knew it was a compliment and a testament to how I’ve been feeling energetic and healthy. I said, “Of course”, and told her of all the things I’ve been […]

Purple Lines

I try not to get self conscious when my only child smacks his little palms on the pudge like hands lapping water. He smiles because he doesn’t know any better. He smiles because he doesn’t know it makes me cringe. He smiles because he doesn’t know what happened. I realize his eyes have only seen […]

Emotional Capacity

In my parents’ driveway, I sat talking excitedly to a friend I haven’t seen for months. We both love to talk so our words always climb over each other like overexcited puppies. I couldn’t even remember last time we made it out to a hangout with friends or even saw some of our closest friends […]

Valleys and Mountains

It wasn’t until my body was curled into itself and heaved erratically from the grief that I heard the bugle call me out of the valley. It wasn’t until I was standing at the top of a mountain in a celebration that I decided to make an effort to stay out. For the last few […]

The feelings I Konmari-ed…then let go

With disdain, I threw the single worn gray sock with triangle shaped rubber slip-proof grooves into the black trash bag. It’s been my reaction to anything from that time. There have been countless hilarious memes produced after Marie Kondo’s Netflix show Tidying Up hit the interweb. I have cracked up by myself in the dark […]

Splash of Color

I’m not going to lie – I’ve been looking for the correct picture for this post for over a half-hour, but nothing came close. I’ve also been putting Shiloh back to sleep several times for the last three hours (noisy neighbors, wet pull-up, wet pjs, sweaty, etc.). Very soon, there will be a slew of […]